The Carrero Effect - Falling for the Boss (Billionaire CEO) novel Chapter 219

My life has been turned on its head and every version of who I was or am has me so upside down and back to front, I’ve no idea who I am anymore. All I know is graceful, cold, PA Emma, would never be in the crazy mess I’m in now. I haven’t worn any of her clothes in weeks, let alone those stilettos, which I’ve kept with me almost like a protective talisman. I wear flats now … flats! Girly clothes, cute jumpers, and goddamn summer dresses in romantic fabrics. Hell must have frozen over surely.

“I’ve been a nightmare, Sarah. It’s a wonder he’s still here.” I cast my mind back to the tearful sobbing, angry shouting and smashing plates of crazy Emma who

has been occupying the apartment with him. The woman who woke from a nap on the couch to find Jake had

set up the bathroom with candles, music, rose petals and a gorgeous bubble bath for me, and told him I hated him before breaking down in sobs. I am a mess. Jake is in

pain too, but I’m selfishly stomping all over him, ignoring what he’s feeling, marking it as invalid because he hurt

me and ruined things, because he took my trust and ripped

it up into tiny shreds.

The stuff with Marissa still claws at my brain every day. I’ve spent the last two weeks knowing he’s been avoiding her contact and it only adds to the build up inside me; that somehow the moment he sees her will make me break. It’s completely unhealthy, hanging over me like some doom and gloom cloud of tension. It just intensifies my anger when it hits, and I know a time will come that I’ll blow up at him, an outlet for all the crazy inside of me.

“Jake loves you and he’s repenting for his sins. If he can’t handle all you’re throwing at him now babe, then he’s not the man for you.” Sarah laughs and jokes, but I know she’s being serious.

Jake is handling all I am throwing at him, bringing home my favorite foods when he goes out to meetings, pampering me with gifts and love notes to find whenever I open a drawer or use the bathroom. He leaves little surprises for me to find whenever he goes out. He’s trying so hard to show me that I am loved and wanted yet all he’s getting in return is an unhinged emotional psychopath who occasionally shows hints of the girl he loves. I need to stop pushing him away and acting so hostile or it’ll be me chasing Jake to win him back. But I can’t help it. Something in me in the last two weeks has grown overly uncontrollable with an emotion bubbling inside of me that I can’t pick out, an aching cavern of emptiness that I have no way of dealing with or know how to deal with.

“I think he might get sick of how I’m being,” I verbalize my inner doubt, without thinking. Shivering at the thought.

“No, he won’t, Emma. You’re pregnant and you’re grieving over what he did. I’m sure even Jake has the intelligence to see that and he’s sure as hell got the sense to let you do it. Are you back? I mean, are you … intimate again?” Her question surprises me but with Sarah, she does like the juicy details.

“I let him touch me; occasionally. We share a bed and sometimes he reaches for me in his sleep but, no, other than that we don’t go near each other. I can’t let him kiss me, or get too touchy-feely just yet, and definitely no sex.” I can’t even begin to explain the sense of heartbreak I get whenever I even contemplate kissing him. She’s always there in my mind, pushed up against him. It’s all bound up with my trust in him and my inner need to inflict a sort of punishment on him. I can’t even dissect it myself and I haven’t let him try in weeks. I’ve been too scared to let him if I’m being honest because that bitch being in my head causes so much pain.

“It’s normal, Ems. He betrayed you, all that stuff isn’t owed to him … it’s earned. He needs to earn back the trust needed to let him go there again. I completely understand.” She sighs.

I’m glad she does as I have no idea.

I catch the noise of Jake coming into the apartment and the shuffle of bags as he strolls in, him and Mathews laughing over something. He sounds happy and it tugs at my heart, lightening my mood, the voice and laugh that has so much power over me. I miss that laugh lately; it hasn’t been around much.

He had an early meeting at his father’s building and was gone for hours. There’s a rise in my stomach, the lightening of the heavy pit, the urge to go to him overwhelms me. At least there’s a part of me that still wants him just as much as I did before; and it reminds me every time he’s been away. I miss him when he’s not here; even if I am being a complete bitch to him when he is.

“Sarah, I need to go. I’ll text you later okay. Jake’s home.” I suddenly have an unyielding urge to see him.

We say our goodbyes and as I hang up Jake sweeps past carrying a multitude of shopping bags with various brands and designer names emblazoned across them. I sigh and hope he’s not brought home another mountain of gifts like he did last time he was in the city. I don’t want gifts and trinkets I just want my head to stop with all its confusing crap.

He heads into the bedroom, with a smile my way, and I get that surge of disappointment that I’ve been getting a lot lately. Sometimes I miss the forceful Jake who says, Fuck this shit, and pushes me to a wall kissing the hell out of me. I miss him in that way and part of me wonders how I would react if he did just that; if he took away my choice to try kissing him and just did it. If he took away my choice and just forced physical contact again.