The Carrero Effect - Falling for the Boss (Billionaire CEO) novel Chapter 26

ASSHOLE!!!!

I want to scream it at him through the closed door; I’ve never had this wave of reaction toward Jake before and I can’t control it. I’m beyond livid. I’m reeling, angry, and hysteria isn’t far away. I hate losing control this way, every emotion bubbling to the surface like an angry volcano threatening to explode. I know I need to bring myself down or else my life is over. He’s my BOSS!

I mastered this once I can do it again. I can push it all down and force it back into its black box. Put it all back neatly and close the lid. Bring calm back to the surface and put the mask back on. Salvage something before it’s too late.

But I can’t!

Because he knows!

Because he saw a sliver of my shameful wretched past and I’m devastated. He will see I’m a fraud, that PA Emma, his number two is nothing more than a facade for a broken piece of worthlessness that men liked to knock around and touch.

It makes me feel sick inside and I hurtle myself onto the bed amid a flurry of tears.

I hate crying, I don’t cry! I won’t give them my tears; I won’t let them have that from me. They took everything else.

I roll on my back and take gasping gulps of air, swallowing them down painfully. Knowing I need to control myself.

That’s right, Emma, breathe.

I hear myself telling teen Emma, as she lays on the floor of her Chicago room. That little voice talking her through.

In … Out … In … Out … In ….Out. Slowly, and surely.

I force myself to focus on the light fitting on the ceiling above me and keep going. Knowing it helps.

In … Out … In … Out … In … That’s right, nice and steady.

I’m not in Chicago anymore, it’s okay now. I’m in control of this. I regulate my breathing to match my count, bringing myself down from near hysterics. Drying my eyes.

In … Out … In … Out … Slower, bring it down a notch.

I’ve overcome this a million times, and I can do it again. I can fix this. I’m better than this.

In … Out … In … Out. Take deep breaths in … It’s getting easier.

In … Out … In … Out. Calmer, smoother breathing.

The tidal wave subsides slowly, and the blackness fades out. My lungs move easier, the heaviness lifting, and I inhale deeply.

In … Out … In … Out.

Like a chant.

I’m in control … I’m not a child anymore. Ray is not here to hurt me.

In … Out … In.

The room around me is safe and still. No one can hurt me anymore. I’m stronger now. I’m more capable. It’s not my life anymore.

In … Out …

The tears disperse fully, and I sniff back the remnants.

In.

Out.

The anger subsides and I’m left feeling raw and vulnerable. I stop chanting as I breathe fluidly. I’m back in control and laying so very still. It’s easier than it used to be. I’m better at it and it takes less time now than it used to; new Emma is laying on the bed staring at the ceiling and she’s remorseful. Logical, clear thinking, back in full swing. Knowing what she has done.

I can’t leave it this way with Jake.

I screamed at my boss … my friend … I don’t know if I can face him again.