The Carrero Effect - Falling for the Boss (Billionaire CEO) novel Chapter 265

“No, actually I’m currently looking toward a new career. One more fulfilling in which I can help children who have been abused; like I was.” I lift my chin proudly, meeting her eye ready to take on her response in a non-emotional way. I am at peace with how I am going to handle this.

Her eyes glaze over, and her eyebrow rises as she sighs, acting as though ‘little girl Emma’ is at it again, being over-dramatic, making herself out to be the poor defenseless, innocent child.

She is no mother of mine. I can see it now. I’ll never call her my mom again; she’s never been deserving of the title. In the short time Sylvana has known me she’s been more of a mom to me than Jocelyn ever was.

She’s pondering over how to respond, no doubt bringing memories of our last meeting fresh to her mind, afraid that raging and violent Emma may strop out again. That tiny trigger of annoyance builds higher at her silent pause.

Hold your temper, Emma, she’s not worth this. I swallow it down; just say the words and get it over and done with.

“Oh,” she finally says, sounding disinterested, no reaction to what I said as though she’s already internally decided to dismiss it.

I used to stupidly think my achievements would make her proud, that if I did something worthwhile with my life somehow, she’d love me. I ran to New York to be free of her, but I spent years allowing her in, still trying to please her from afar. Excelling in my work and trying to show her I was worthy. I did expect some sort of reaction about my chosen path or why, but I’m wrong. So very wrong. It’s not me who has to prove my worth anymore, it’s her, and honestly … She’s not worthy of my love and affection or my time.

“We’re having a baby.” I state flatly, not expecting the same type of response that Jake and I received from Sylvana. “You’re going to be a grandmother.” I add rather pointedly, to make a statement; to get everything out that I want her to know. I’ve lost all will for being here since this is going exactly how I should’ve known it would. She is too emotionally exhausting, and I don’t need to stay and take it anymore.

A wave of love sweeps over me when I say it out loud, noticing the way my smile comes out despite my irritation at her. It spreads across my face without any help from me; tadpole bringing me a sense of serenity from within. My hand instantly moves to cover my stomach gently, feeling its presence here with me gives me so much more strength. I focus on this tiny joy of my life and gain strength I need to finish this, letting it flood through me.

“I see.” She glances at me and then back at her desk and my smile fades.

Has she never felt the love for me that I now have for Tadpole?

Is it something she’s ever possessed for me?

“Is that all you have to say to me?” I ask dejectedly, suddenly tired, the anger that was bubbling seems to have given up on me and I find myself sighing instead. I can’t do this with her anymore. I don’t have the emotional energy to keep going through this scenario, repeatedly.

How many times have I built myself up for something, anything from her and always come face-to-face with this reality? This deflating reality … This nothingness.

“Well, a baby isn’t something I ever thought you wanted. You’ve never been very maternal or shown any interest in children. It’s no picnic being a mother, Emma, I hope you know what you’re letting yourself in for.” Her tone, one of seriousness, edged with ice. I blink at her in dumbfounded silence, my heart aching, “Is it because of the baby that he proposed?” She asks as an afterthought with a smug expression.

“You never wanted me did you, Jocelyn?” I blurt out, more as a realization than an accusation and she at least has the decency to let her composure falter, especially at my use of her first name. I don’t feel anything about it now that I see it, not a single drop of pain over the fact that she never wanted motherhood or the clinging arms of a child. All those years of keeping me at arms-length, no affection, no warmth, and no protection, all coming together in clear clarity at last.

“I didn’t not want you, Emma, I just didn’t plan on ever having a baby. I just wasn’t suited for motherhood, but I made the most of it.” There’s no apology in her tone at all, no trying to soothe my feelings or deliver an answer in a gentle way, but there never has been. She looks down at her desk moving a couple of files, avoiding my gaze.

There are so many things I could say, so many accusations I could throw at her, but they evade me. Instead there’s nothing but pity and a little sadness, all the fight and will to somehow make her see the way she’s scarred my life is gone. I have nothing, no inner need to do this and no fight left to push this anymore. I realize, with a vague sadness, that I don’t care anymore.

I sigh and sit up, looking at her fully, willing eye contact.