Too Beautiful for the Alpha novel Chapter 20

James is no good. James is bad for me, for my mental health, my physical health, my everything. I let him fool me, I let myself believe that he cared for me. Thinking about it makes me furious with myself. How could I let him in? How could I kiss him and lay in bed with him? For all I know, he could have strangled me in my sleep. He could have contemplated suffocating me with the pillow he laid his head on.

How could he hurt me again? How could I let him?

James was never going to bring me back and love me like I let myself believe. I want to yell at him and never see him again at the same time. He's embarrassed me in front of my Alpha, gave me hope when there was none, and has the guts to lay in my bed with me, knowing that everything he's been feeding me is lies. He is a monster. He is cruel and manipulative.

After fleeing the pack house like an idiot, I locked myself in my bedroom, ignoring my mother's questions and abandoning my plans with Noah. For hours I have been in here, and for hours I plan to stay.

What will I do the next time he comes? Get Alpha Waters? Hide? Confront him in a rage of fury like I so badly want to do? He's probably been sleeping with her, on top of this. She's probably wearing my pajama shirt just so he can imagine the scent coming from her, and here I've been, waiting like a fool. Here I've been, staring out my window, naive and optimistic, waiting for him to emerge from the trees every night.

"Rae?" My mother softly calls from the other side of my door along with knocking. "Didn't you have plans with Noah today? Do you want me to tell him you don't feel well? Do you want me to reschedule?"

I don't answer. I haven't answered the last two times either.

"Oh, Rae, will you just tell me what happened? Unlock the door so we can talk."

"You don't understand," I murmur, not wanting to hear her say 'I told you so.'

"Honey, what happened? Is it Noah? Did he do something?"

I roll over in bed, constantly hot-headed with her. "No, mom. It's not Noah. Nothing is about Noah!"

My mother sighs, jiggling the handle. "You're an adult, act like one and open the door. You're not sixteen anymore, you can't cry all day in your room and hate everyone."

I can feel my mother growing impatient. "Please just leave me alone. Please go."

"Rae, open this door right—"

"I'm not letting you in, so just leave me," I cry out.

She hits the door. "Fine. Cry. Be glad you're not a Luna because they don't act like this. They aren't babied by their mother's, they don't lock themselves away. You wouldn't have made even a decent Luna!"

Her footsteps grow quiet.

* * *

December 29th, 1991

James has agreed to try for another baby in the new year. I am excited for the possibility of a new life, another chance, but frightened by the possibility of losing another baby to her. She watches over me like a tyrant, ready to swipe.

Things will be better in the new year, I can feel it. With the new year will come a new diary and it will be filled with happiness, unlike this one. That will be my promise to myself, to write only of happy things. Hopefully, the journey of my pregnancy will be written in it, all the wonderful aches, emotions, sensations—

A sudden knock at my door pulls me away. Expecting it to be my mother, I groan, but it's not.

"Rae? It's Noah. Your mother asked me to come by."

Feeling betrayed and exposed, I shut the diary and panic. "Uh—What?"

"She asked if I would talk to you. She said you're upset," he says through the door.

I swiftly shove the diary under my bed and sit up amongst my pillows, not knowing what to do. "Well, right now's not a good time. I'm actually—"

"She said it's about your mate. I thought maybe I could help."

I bite my tongue before climbing off of my bed and opening the door. Noah hesitates before coming in, not knowing if he should cross the line into my private place. He stares for a moment at my bed, my messy sheets and thrown pillows forming a mountain range. I clear my throat, keeping the door open. "I don't know what she told you, but nothing happened with my mate."

Noah turns to me. "You don't have to lie to me, Rae. It's not like I'm above you. My mates dead, remember?"

"I'm not lying."

He gives me a look, and I'm sure I've never seen it before. "Why are you scared of people knowing the truth? So what, you and you're Mate didn't work out, what's the big deal? No one is going to judge you, not here, not me."

"It's not like that. It's not that simple."

"Then explain so I can understand."

I cross my arms and lean against the wall. "I can't. Some things just can't be said."

"Then tell me the things that can be."

I sit down with Noah on the edge of my bed, oddly similar to how James and I were. He listens closely as I share what I can. "He didn't want a Mate. His father told him never to accept one, so when I came along, he was cold to me. He hardly spoke to me. He said rude things when he did. He was with this other girl when I was in the house at night. It was just terrible, and I thought that I could never forgive him, but I tried to. We had a few progressive conversations, and I was willing to try with him. I wanted to trust him after he's lied to me," I explain, "but I found out he's lied again."

Noah sighs. "It sounds like a cycle to me. He's just going to keep lying to you, Rae. And even after all he's done before, you still wanted to be with him? You never tried to reject him?"