Life After the Storm novel Chapter 59

It has been a couple of days that I have found out the truth about everything that has happened. I haven't talked to Landon. I have been trying to avoid him as much as possible, not wanting to talk to him just yet. I understand why he did what he did, but I almost feel like he caused all that happened. Even though he wasn't the one that did it physically. 

What surprises me even more is that Ivan has been gone since that night he left while I was in the shower. He hasn't been back since. I'm not sure where we stand or what is going to happen between the two of us. I'm afraid that I will not be able to look at him the way a mate should look at their mate. I mean sometimes I even get scared just thinking about being with him with all the pain he caused.

I want to be happy with my mate, but I'm just not sure if that is really in the cards for me. How can I be happy with someone who has caused me so much suffering in the past? I don't know how I feel about anything. Maybe that's why I haven't talked to Landon, yet I'm so angry, even though I understand why he did what he did. But I wonder if anything between us was real. I feel that I can't just leave him off the hook so easily, but he only did what I asked him to do.

I thought knowing what I am would help me figure out who I want to become. But it only confused me more. I'm not sure what the hell to do with my life, and it makes me so furious. I despise that I still have feelings for Landon, and I know that your feelings for someone can't just disappear overnight. I want to hate him, but I don't. I crave him instead. Wishing maybe if I had those feelings for my mate that it would be easier to forgive him.

I think I'm so angry because of losing my child that my own guilt is eating at me because of not wanting to be a mother. Thinking that maybe that is the reasoning behind everything that has happened, that I have caused it all. That I brought it on myself because I've never wanted it. The whole time I was pregnant, I showed no love of affection, nothing. What kind of person does that make me?

I hate who I'm becoming, and I don't know how to fix any of it. All I really want is to be happy, but I'm not sure if it is even possible for me to be happy. Thinking about all that I have done and what others have done to me. Knowing that I could have prevented all of it, but instead I allowed it all to happen to me. 

I hate that I can't bring myself to leave this room. I'm so ashamed of my life that I don't want to face any of it. I know that I'm going to have to deal with it eventually, but today is not that day. I prefer not to try to solve anything, all I want is to waddle in my sores. I need to forgive myself for allowing all this to happen to me before I can do anything else.