The Stand In Wife's Revenge novel Chapter 66

Chapter 66

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I was immediately struck by the hospital rooms cold sterile air as soon as I entered and the faint background noise of the machines

served as a continual reminder of how precarious the boundary between life and death is.

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I hesitated for a second before flipping the switch to envelop the room in the harsh artificial light as the lights flickered overhead.

Everything seemed out of place and incorrect but there was no way to go back at this point. With every step I took toward the bed my

heart sank. It was unbelievable to me to be back here.

I looked at her as she lay still in that immaculate white bed her face lifeless and pale. She didnt look like the person I used to know–the

one who would joke with me over coffee in our kitchen or teasingly reprimand me for being late for appointments.

But now? Now she was nothing more than a shell. Although it is a lovely shell it is still empty. I no longer had the woman I once loved

deeply present in the manner that I required. In order to avoid upsetting her delicate body I took a seat next to her.

I tried to feel some warmth by curling my fingers around her cold hand but I couldnt find it. Not any more. I was unprepared for the

surge of emotion that hit me. As I looked down at her my throat constricted and my mind raced but nothing I was thinking made sense.

Unbidden tears began to fall first slowly and then more quickly until they were pouring down my face in an uncontrollable torrent.

Despite my best efforts to breathe and steady myself the pain in my bones and the heaviness in my chest prevented me from doing so.

I said in a hoarse whisper “I miss you” my voice breaking under the strain.

I couldnt bring myself to release her hand even though it felt like ice in mine. When she was in the most need of me how could I abandon

her? But then- Ava was there.

The name Ava was entangled in my heart with all the feelings I didnt want to experience. She served as a constant reminder of my frailty

and everything I was unable to let go of. How had I ended up in this state of bewilderment this tangled mess of emotions that felt like it

was about to choke me? I didnt intend to feel this way.

I had no intention of thinking about Ava the comfort she offered or the way she gave me hope that I could be more than the man who sat

by his wifes bed every day powerless to make a difference. Ava was everything I shouldnt have desired.

However my thoughts about her increased as I made more effort to ignore her. Both of them werent treated fairly. However the guilt

encircled me like a vice as I sat there gazing at my wifes motionless body. It is only her that should be on my mind.

I made a commitment to love cherish and honor her. And yet here I was ripped apart by emotions I couldnt comprehend. Her hair was soft

to the touch as I ran my fingers through it but she made no move. No motion. Nothin‘.

“Just move please” I pleaded my voice hardly audible above a whisper. “Just wake up please. I cant continue to do this on my own.”

It was difficult for me to know whether I was speaking to her to myself or to the universe that had cruelly placed me in this predicament.

Perhaps it was irrelevant. It may not have.

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15:38 Tue, May 5

Chapter 66

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The rhythmic sound of the machines beeping softly in the background stood in sharp contrast to the confusion in my head. I held onto the hope that one day she would open her eyes and we would resume our lives as I watched her chest rise and fall so slowly and unsteadily. However it seemed so far away like a dream that was eluding me despite my best efforts to grasp onto it.

I tried to calm my breathing and closed my eyes. I needed to focus. The thought of Ava had to leave my mind. I didnt need her at this moment. Squeezing my eyes shut as though it would help me block out the pain the guilt and the confusion I took my hand off of my wifes and placed it on the side of the bed.

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This was not what I had requested. I hadnt asked for her to be lying in this bed so far away so far away from me. I felt like screaming and shouting at the world for taking her away from me in this way and for being so unjust.

I reflected on our times together the small moments that mean a lot like how she would laugh when I tried to cook or how we would quarrel over the smallest things and then get back together a short while later. I reflected on our future goals our aspirations to have a family and age together.

And now all of that was vanishing from me leaving me with nothing but the eerie quiet of her stillness and the hollow sensation in my chest. I blurted out I dont know what to do before I could stop myself. Without you I dont know how to accomplish this.. The weight of my grief crushed me and the tears came faster and harder.

Never in my life had I felt so lost and powerless. This was not how it was intended to be. There was supposed to be more time for us. We were meant to age together. But here I was in a hospital room clinging to the woman I loveds icy hand while hoping for an impossible miracle.

Ava was the next person.

She was alive, vibrant and warm in ways that my wife had lost. But it made no difference. Right now I couldnt allow myself to think of her in this manner. Not while my wife and I were still here. Not when I had promised her things. But there was no denying the truth.

I couldnt get Ava out of my life and despite my desire for it to be untrue she had taken on a place in my heart.

I said in a broken voice “I’m sorry” into the void. “I’m really sorry.”

However my wife didnt reply. She wasnt able to. All of the things I had lost was losing and didnt know how to deal with were reflected in her as she lay there still. Still I was unable to stop loving her. Despite my doubts I prayed for a miracle because I couldnt stop wanting her back.

I kept holding her hand as long as I could crying uncontrollably now until the numbness returned as it always did when the agony got too much to handle. I had no idea what the future would bring for us or for me at the time but I did know that I would al

ways love her.

I would also always think of Ava.