The Stand In Wife's Revenge novel Chapter 67

Chapter 67

64

The familiar empty silence surrounded me like a smothering blanket as I entered the house. The walls seemed to be waiting for something that would never arrive and the air felt colder than usual. I didnt bother to switch on the lights. Even in the dark I was aware of where

everything was.

Previously a home, the house now felt like a prison. I walked straight to my room with a heavy heart and even heavier steps following. Stop taking detours dwelling on the past and feigning to check in on people or things.

The day was longer than usual.

I was beginning to feel as though I might crack under the pressure of everything that was weighing me down. After softly clicking the door shut behind me I stood there for a moment just breathing. The silence was so loud that I could hear my own breathing.

Despite the darkness in the room I could feel my own fatigue bearing down on me. This type of fatigue was not merely physical rather it seeped into your bones and sank into your spirit. I was sick of acting like I had control over anything and sick of feigning that everything

was alright.

I moved forward and settled myself on the beds edge enjoying the mattresses gentle give. The pain in my chest was far worse than any other ache in my body. I buried my face in my hands and leaned forward resting my elbows on my knees.

The tears didnt come this time but they werent far behind. It had been some time since they had arrived. I was too emotionally spent and exhausted to cry any more. It wasnt that I didnt experience pain rather it was that I had lost the ability to bear it. I kept thinking about

Fionas lifeless pale body still in that hospital bed.

I always saw her when I closed my eyes–cold silent and immobile. And each time my heart grew a bit more broken. When I imagined her lying there motionless and quiet my chest constricted with a force that nearly choked me.

The questions had been bothering me for weeks getting louder and more persistent every day: would she ever wake up? Would I ever hold her hand in the quiet mornings or kiss her goodnight before we fell asleep in each others arms? I became more aware of my uncertainty about everything though the longer I sat with those thoughts.Fiona was my wife.

I had assured her that I would always love care for and support her. But now–now I had no idea. I had no idea what lay ahead for her for

us or what it meant to persevere when the person you cared about the most was slipping away from you like sand. My eyes were burning

from the weight of my sorrow and all the questions that were still unsolved.

1 felt as though something significant had been abruptly torn from me leaving my chest feeling hollow. Afterward there was Ava. I kept

thinking about her all the time. Trying to convince myself that it was wrong that it was unfair to Fiona that it was a betrayal and that I

couldnt let myself feel anything for Ava when Fiona needed me was my goal.

Ava persisted in my thoughts despite my best efforts to ignore her. Every quiet moment when my thoughts drifted she was there in every

corner of my mind. The way she made me feel–alive seen wanted—was something I had initially tried to ignore.

That wasnt how it was intended to be. But I couldnt ignore what was happening no matter what I did or how much I reminded myself to

1/3

16:47 Wed, May 6

Chapter 67

remain faithful to Fiona and to concentrate on her and her healing. I had no idea how to deal with Ava anymore.

I was drawn to her but I wasnt sure how to handle it. I felt like I could breathe again when we talked when she smiled at me and when she gave me a consoling moment that was like a lifeline. She kept me from feeling like my grief was overwhelming me. I was not reminded of everything I had lost by her. I felt alive again because of her. And for that I detested myself.

I was suffocated by the internal conflict. I had never been good at keeping my feelings to myself and at the moment I was unable to even sort them out because they were all so enmeshed in my chest. I had vowed to love Fiona for the rest of my life and she remained my wife.

Despite all of this suffering and uncertainty Ava was there to offer something I couldnt even begin to explain. It was unfair to both of them. Fiona was lying in that hospital bed fighting for a life 1 didnt think she would ever return to and it wasnt fair.

And it was unfair to Ava who was unaware of the mess she had entered. She should never have been involved in this confusion. I was hesitant to put her in a situation where I was unsure of the best course of action. Still the emotions were present. No matter how hard I tried to suppress them they persisted in growing because they were real and indisputable.

I tossed my suit jacket haphazardly across the chair in the corner after removing it. Then my tie appeared twisted loose from around my neck and I dropped it to the ground. For a while I stood before the mirror and gazed at my image.

I appeared to be a broken man exhausted from bearing too many contradictory feelings. I no longer recognized the man who was in the mirror. I had no idea what kind of man I was supposed to be in this circumstance nor did I know who I was becoming.

How could I keep acting as though everything would work out when in reality I had no idea what would happen tomorrow the day after that or the day after that? What was I supposed to do? Where was I supposed to go from here? Not one of those questions could be answered by me. I was consumed by uncertainty which hung over every thought and action I took like a ominous cloud.

VERIFYCAPTCHA_LABELVerify