Together Forever novel Chapter 27

Feelings

A small word with the greatest supreme power that is overwhelming our heart and soul with storms of dangling emotions.

Why do we have feelings? Just to have pain when our loved ones leave us? Just to get our hearts broken when we realize we are not that important to them we thought we were?

People say that not to love is sad but not being able to love is worse. Never thought about it so deeply but now it seems like this quote was made for me.

We all try to hide our feelings because we don't want to look weak to others. No matter how much we try to show people that we don't care and we don't have feelings, deep down inside we all know we are vulnerable. Because we are humans. We have hearts. We are meant to feel.

Still, there are some times when we don't feel anything. Not happiness, not hurt, nothing. Just so empty. As if something is missing but we don't know what. That hurts.

And that's when we need a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold on to. Someone who will care about us, someone who will fill the emptiness with some love. And this is the hardest thing to find. So hard.

I guess I have already found that shoulder. I'm just afraid to lean on. What if someday he leaves me and I fall? The scarce hand is trying to hold me but I am pushing it away.

If we could just win our uncertainties, life would be so easier. Unfortunately, here we lose. You think you are brave and strong? Maybe from outside. But with all your fears, doubts, and diffidence; you are just a fragile doll of your fate.

I sigh one last time and get up from the bed after trying to sleep half of the night. I walk towards the balcony and open the door, revealing the starry enormous night sky, standing out all alone. Just like me. I sit down on the chair and take in the fresh cool breeze. Dense black clouds floating across the equally dark sky and within them, numerous shiny stars are peeking out. As if in a discerning black ocean, they are striving continuously to survive. Maybe after some time, they will be submerged under the immense clouds but then, they will shine again. Just like our lives. With all our pain, failure, and misery, we all try to stay alive in this relentless world. Sometimes we fail. But we don't stop. With all the strength left, we try again and this is how we survive.

I am deep in my thoughts when I hear a faint sound coming from the living room I assume. I get up and walk into the room, heading towards the door. Opening it, I see the giant wall clock that is hanging on the wall saying 3 in the morning. I walk further and then my eyes fall on Ethan, sleeping on the couch with his hand resting on his forehead.

The only source of light is the chandelier that is emanating shaded golden light for why I can see his face somehow from the distance I am now. I walk towards him very slowly, trying to make no sound, and sit on my knees on the floor just beside his head. Then I examine him carefully.

His face is facing me, a slight cringe on his forehead and tiredness reflecting from his face.

Why did he sleep here?

I remove his hand carefully from his head so that I can see him properly. He is looking so restful, so innocent like a child as if he threw all his ferocity outside when he slept. Yet somehow, with everything, he seems like he's hurt. He is looking for something like when he drifted off to sleep, he was in pain.

A strand of hair is falling on his eyes covering his forehead. I slowly raise my quivering hand and push the strand away when my fingers softly brush against his skin and I shiver. The first time he touched me how I felt, it's still the same.

I place my hand so gently on his cheek so that he doesn't wake up. My thumb slowly caresses his face and I move my face closer when his quick breath hits me. My heart starts beating faster as my fingers remain still, feeling his warmth beneath my skin.

If I could touch him a bit longer...

I remove my hand unwillingly, my inside clenching in pain. I take his hand in mine and rest my forehead on it. And for the second time today, tears escape my eyes.

I want to hold him like this forever. I don't want to leave him. But what can I do? What should I do? Sometimes I feel like forgetting everything, I just stay with him and the next moment, this thought scares me. If we could know what we should do, there wouldn't be any problem. But it doesn't happen. We were born to have a life full of confusion.

I raise my head and wipe my face before placing a soft kiss on his knuckles. Giving him one last look, I stand up and am about to head back to my room when a hand grabs my hand and I slump back on his chest with a thud.

When I finally open my eyes, to my shock I see those familiar brown eyes staring at me impatiently. His hands are behind my waist holding me tightly and mine are on his chest feeling his quick heartbeat.

He was awake all the while?

Without saying anything, he suddenly switches our position so now he is on top of me. He keeps staring at my eyes searching for I don't know what as I take the time to process what just happened. His chest is pressed against me and our hearts are beating in sync. Both so fast.