A Kiss At Midnight (Delilah and Caelum) novel Chapter 107

12:39 Fri, Aug 21 AM

A Kiss At Midnight

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CLUE FOR HER

several seconds, neither of us said anything as the word hangs between us, heavy and impossible

She had taken her own life

My gaze wandered out at the ciry beneath us again, my vision blurry that I couldn’t make it out, the light turning into tiny pool of gold.

I could feel Caelum beside me, he doesn’t move or rush to fill the silence. Neither did he offer me some meaningless reassurance, and just simply stayed, which honestly was made it easier to breathe.

His thumbs move slowly across the back of my hand, almost absentmindedly, as though he was reminding me that wasn’t alone on this wall, suspended above the city with three years of grief sitting like a stone inside my chest.

After a while, his voice finally breaks through the silence. “I honestly don’t know what to say, or what better words could case the pain. It must have been terrifying finding out your sister had taken her life. You must have felt helpless and alone.” He says softly, and I turned to look at him as another tears falls down my cheeks.

His other hand cups my cheek as he wipes them gently with his thumb. “It felt like my world had fallen apart,” I manage to let out, willing back another tears, as his thumb caresses my cheek.

“I’m sure it did. No one wishes to lose the one they care deeply about,” he says gently before his hand on my cheek falls back to his side, then he asked. “If your parent had gone through such length from keeping what happened to your sister, how then did you find out.”

My throat tightens, my gaze settles on our joined hands. “I got a text from Daisy a day after she had died. Not sure how she did it, she must have scheduled the text to get to me the day it did.”

“And you’re certain it’s from her,” his brows drew together, and I could understand why he had thought that. I also did too, right until her saw the name she had addressed the text to.

Lili Bug

That was Daisy nickname for me, and no one knew she called me that except her. So I was certain it had to have been from

her.

“I’m a thousand times certain it had been from her,” my fingers curls slightly around his, “I still remember how that day had been, waking up and thinking to myself how everything had to have been a horrible nightmare. I thought.” my voice falters, and I gulped. “I thought maybe if I opened my eyes again, she would be downstairs, probably sitting on the kitchen island with a book stuck to her face as she munches off a plate of cookie, while keeping one eyes out for our mum so she doesn’t find out she was having something sweet before breakfast.”

A faint and painful smile tug at my lips. “But when I got the message, it felt like a slap to myself. It was one thing that I had lost her, and it’s another to find out that she had decided to end it.” drawing in a slow deep breath. “I still remember every word, like it had been yesterday.”

My eyes slowly slips close and suddenly I was there again, my phone in my hands as Daisy’s name glows across the screen. I still remembered the hope that had settled in my heart when I had seen her name, and how I had almost a minutes staring at it before finally opening it.

‘Lili Bug, that was how it had began, ‘when you see this, I’m probably gone, to that I’m sorry. I wish we could spend more time together, and make more memories. I truly wish so, I really do. And I’m sorry that we can’t do that anymore, but I want you to know this wasn’t because of you. So don’t go blaming yourself, there was nothing you could have done, not when I’m too far gone. What I need for you to do is promise me you would continue doing the things you love, you would continues laughing and living your life to the fullest, and you won’t end up like me. Make friends and don’t live a empty, lonely life..

“I remember reading it over and over again..” my voice cracks as I pause, gulping against the ache in my throat and Caelum’s

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A Ki At Midnight

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fingers tightens around mine. I bite at the wall of my lips before continuing, “She kept on apolozing, saying she was sorry to me, to them..”

them?” His expression shits, while my brows pulled together as I try to remember every word and then I nodded slowly.

“That’s what she said.”

‘I’m most sorry to them, and I wish I could have explained it to them and maybe things would have been different

My lips trembles, “She said she couldn’t bare it anymore and wasn’t strong enough like she thought she was the word barely left my mouth.

Silence settles over us again, as a signle tears hits my cheeks, and then a bitter laughs escapes me. “You know what’s more.

r pathetic..”

“Delilah..”

“I should have knoe and guess something was wrong.” his expression softens, “I was her bloody sister, Caelum. I should have known she was struggling that badly, that she was going through some shit that she probably couldn’t tell anyone. Heck, I should never have trusted her laughters all too well, and should have knew they were all not happy and conveying pain that no one could see. I should have checked in on her more, instead of thinking she had everything all sorted out.” My voice was shaking at this pint as I wipe at my cheeks.

“But I was too caught up with myself and life,” a small, broken laugh left me, “I was selfish. I hadn’t given her much attention, that I hadn’t notice how overwhelming the responsibility and everything had been for her.”

Caelum’s lips parted softly, but I shook my head before he could say anything. “Don’t, please don’t,” my chest felt as though it had been carved inwardly, “I was selfish. The last time we had talked and she told me she needed to tell me something, she had actually ask that we spend the day together, and to make time for her.”

The memory came rushing back in with such clarity that for a moment I almost could hear Daisy’s voice

Hey, Lili Bug. Can you come see me later, I need to tell you something.

“I told I I would, but end up not doing,” my eyes burned, “and that was because I was out with some friends, or who I thought were friends. I was already popular, but I was to be the it girl and being so meant hanging out with people in that same level, and I had completely sidelined her. Missed her call with a promise to call back, but never did.” My breath shudders. “I never did, Caelum. I guess I thought there would be another day, and we could talk about what she had to says another time. Without realising there was never going to be another time, and that’s what I can’t forgive myself.”

“Delilah, Its not your fault. Don’t go blaming yourself for this.”

“I should’ve been there, Caelum,” my voice rose, desperation bleeding through every word, “Instead, I was too busy living my stupid little life.”

He reaches for me, pulling my hand firmly between both of his. “It’s not your fault, okay. And this isn’t me trying to patronize your feelings, this is me telling you the truth.” He says quietly, “you were barely even sixteen, so how were suppose to know what she was thinking or what she felt. You don’t have some crazy super power that read minds, and there was no way you could have been of any help to her.”

My gaze rested on his, my vision blurry, barely making out his face. While his gaze helf mind, steady and unwavering. “You need to let go of the guilt and not blame yourself for what happened, or being alive,” the words struck deeper than anything else and I looked away.

“I didn’t even go to her burial,” his expression softens, my lips pressed together, “I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand there and watch them lower her into the ground. And I haven’t been there in the past three years, and keep telling myself how I don’t deserve to pay any respect to her grave.”

“Don’t say that.” his thumb moves spelt across my knuckle. “You said it yourself, your sister had always been your biggest

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-A KI At Midnight

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support, which meant that she loved you, and most definitely didn’t hold it against you for not meeting that day.” His voice was firmer now, “she loved you, Delilah. Loved you enough to let you know not to blame yourself because she knew that

etly what you were going to do and she didn’t want that for you. So instead of listening to the thoughts in your head, you should listen to her. She doesn’t blame you, so stop being too hard on yourself.”

I take in a deep breath, knowing his words were probably right and maybe the reason why I was being so fucking hard on myself was because it was as far more easier than accepting I couldn’t save her.

Maybe if it was my fault, then there was something I could have done differently. Something I could punish myself for that made her death feel less senseless.

He seems to understand without me having to say any of it and he didn’t force me to speak and just caresses my knuckle, gently, as the cool night air hits our skin.

I let everything wash around me, opening up about Daisy to someone. I hadn’t told anyone about the truth before, not even Kaia. And it felt nice to finally tell someone about it, to let them know of the pain jabbing in my chest and the guilt that came with it.

I knew Caelum and I had talked about my sister before, but I had been skeptical telling him about the truth and had only told him a part of it. Now telling him everything felt like a huge load had fallen off my shoulders. To be able to says this words that I had said, to be able to cry my heart out without getting judged for it, felt reliving. And I was glad that it was

him.

We stayed in the silence for a minute, the tears already drying up and making my vision clear. So when I had turned to look at Caelum, I could tell something was eating away in his thoughts, as his brow furrowed together.

“What is it,” I asked, causing his attention to drift towards me.

His lips parted and he was about to says something before shaking his head. “It’s nothing.”

“Caelum, I literally just spilled out my heart to you. So just be out with it.”

“What do you think she meant by them,” I frowned and he continues, “your sister, she said she was apologetic to them. Who do you think she was talking about? Your parents?”

My answer came immediately. “No,” I thought about it for a moment, “I mean.. I’m certain it wasn’t them.”

“Why?”

“Because.” I hesitated, “I just know. My parents were mentioned in the message, but that part didn’t feel like it was about them. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Maybe you don’t have to,” he was quiet for a moment before asking, “Don’t you want to know who they were?” My brows furrowed at this, “If she felt apologetic toward them, they must have mattered to her,” his words settled somewhere deep inside me.

They must have mattered to her

I had never thought about it that way, for three years, I had been consumed by one question. Why did Daisy do it? I had replayed her final days, her last conversation with me, message… but somehow, I had never stopped to ask who them was.

She had been apologetic towards them and had been sad that she couldn’t spend more time like she wanted to. I knew for a fact that it wasn’t about my parent and it sure as hell wasn’t about my grandparent or any of our relative.

There was no one to ask since I had no clue who her friends are, most of the time she kept to herself and seeing as she was practically the youngest in her class she had always had an hard time making friends.

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